Jokes

Possessions (The Banker):

The very successful banker parked his brand-new BMW in front of  the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.  As he opened the door to get out, a truck came along, and completely tore off the driver's door of the BMW.

The banker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.  Before the cop had a  chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the banker finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.  "I can't believe how materialistic you bankers are," he said.  "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the banker.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing  from the elbow down?  It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the banker. "Where's my Rolex?"

RELATIVES:

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

STRANGE 

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. "That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!" 

Lost in space

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Too much thinking

The Epitome of Space research,  NASA, sometimes has scientists who think too much. Here's a simple example of  their over-creativity.

In the early days of the American space program, NASA received reports from the astronauts that their pens would not write in space. Ball points, fountain pens, even quills, nothing worked! So NASA contacted the people who had supplied the pens and made money available for the production of a pen which would write in space, Eventually, thousands of dollars later, a suitable pen was produced, incorporating a small gas filled cylinder which propelled the ink out of the pen. It worked both in space and underwater.

The problem was solved, albeit at great expense.

Many years later, when co-operation with the Russians was established, it occurred to someone at NASA to ask how the Russians had solved the problem.

There  was no problem, they said, we used a pencil.

Lawyers and rats

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments? "Really?"  the other replied, "Why did you switch?"   "Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them.  Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers.  Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture.  And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do.  There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings"

PUMPKIN
A guy was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

WHY TEACHERS GO CRAZY

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

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TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George

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TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.?

WILLY: Me!

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SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

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TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir.

TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

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TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

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HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

TEACHER: Of course not.

HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework

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TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

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TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

JOHN: I hope you didn't either.

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GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

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A Hat Seller

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up.  To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and  they had taken all his hats. The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He thinks & starts scratching his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action. Next, he took down his own hat and an himself and the monkeys do exactly the same.  An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats  on the floor.  He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken  all the hats. He remembered his grand father's
words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said "You think only you have a grandfather????

A speeding ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah?!  I'll bet the lying jerk. told you I was speeding too!

Consultants
Once upon a time, a shepherd was looking after his sheep on the edge of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Lexus SUV screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in a Cerutti suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, Rolex wrist watch, and a Versace tie got out and asked the shepherd, "If I can guess correctly how many sheep you have, will you give me one sheep ?"

The shepherd looked at the man, then looked at the grazing sheep and replied, "Okay". The man parked his SUV, connected his notebook and mobile-fax, entered into NASA website, scanned the ground using his GPS, opened a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms, then printed out a 150 page report on his high tech mini printer. He turned to the shepherd and said, "You have exactly 1586 sheep here".

The shepherd answered, "That's correct, go ahead and pick a sheep." The man picked one up and put it in the back of his SUV.

The shepherd looked at him and asked, "If I can guess your profession correctly, will you return my animal to me?"

The man answered, "Yes, why not?"

The shepherd said, "You are a consultant".

"How did you know?" asked the man.

"Very simple," answered the shepherd.

First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Third, you don't understand anything about my business. Now can I have my DOG back?”